Now You’re Hapiness… Now You’re Not
I sit to do what I do every night… Go down my dashboard on tumblr and look at stuff I’d like to reblog. I close my eyes for a second and I instantly go back:
The finger tips are the place of nerve endings; the most sensitive around of your body, the place where most external stimuli’s are felt. I feel your fingertips slowly sweep away the fringes of hair away from my spectacles. I turn to look at you, and you look at me and for a moment I think to myself that maybe this is indeed perfection. You palm remains on my face and you gently brush you hand against my cheek and I smile to myself.
I cannot for the life of me understand, how all that could change in just a few days. Something so perfect, for me this was going to last forever. When I looked at you I saw someone so real, someone so gentle and compassionate. You had ignited a fire in me that was for a long time dormant; you brought me happiness that had once divorced me.
I cannot understand how I let my guard down. Was it the Fact that you were genuine, mature, considerate, sweet, caring and funny? Or was all that an act that I fell for like every other girl. I had been hurt before, hurt beyond repair to say the least. There was no coming back from pain like this, but this hurt. It was a different kind of hurt. After years of dodging men that were worth my time, I decide after years of self-imposed exile to fall for you, someone out of my comfort zone, and someone with a history with woman. Everyone warned me about you, but I didn’t listen because you weren’t the person they talked about. I defended you, thinking maybe with me, you’d be different, and I believed you were. No one should be judged by their past so I gave you a chance because you showed me a side of you that no one did, you should me someone vulnerable but I was far more vulnerable than you. I expected you to take care of me because I was a fragile little girl. You did do that but this all ended before I could even ask why…
I let myself create another hypothetical future with someone, this time this future felt so real because we’re about to get there in just 6 months. This all is beyond me and my comprehension skills…
How?
How?
How?
How can this go wrong? How can you just stop wanting me? Wanting this? How is she better than me? Was all that you had with me real, because I felt this happiness that I’ve never felt in such a long time? I was going to give you my heart, my soul because I trusted you. After years of cynically classifying everyone as untrustworthy, I go and trust the most untrustworthy guy in the world and expect him to take care of me because I was a fragile little girl. What was I thinking!
My best friend tries every day t comfort me, because she can see the questions floating before my eyes, she knows I can’t understand and that I hate not knowing who, what, where, when, why or how…
She says to me that I should see this as something positive. She says that it shows that I can move on after “Sodium Telluride” and that I should see that I can find happiness again. But I just cannot seem to accept that I saw something so real in him and he just disappointed me just like all the other guys I’ve dated.
“Sometimes in life you just have to accept the fact that some people only enter your life as temporary happiness”.
