A Bullet for my Valentine

When they say:
“The one you’d take the bullet for, is usually the one holding the gun” , they really mean it. I felt that today, your words heavy with hurt and sorrow penetrates my skin. But all I do is stand and listen to you shoot me down, with words like:

“I don’t know what I saw in you”
“It’s all your fault”
“You mean nothing to me”
“You never loved me”
But the ones exploded my inner core was:
“You hurt me, so I had to hurt you back”.

All I did was listen to those hurtful words, as if I wanted to punish myself for loving you, for ever hurting you but most of all I knew I had to give you the freedom to speak. Because it wasn’t like you to express how you feel, and even though it hurt me, it felt good to see some raw emotion in you. So yet again, I sacrifice my own feeling for your closure… These are things you will never know. Nobody knows it but me.

And you said “I don’t know what I ever saw in you” - I felt my entire body go numb, completely cold. Those words still ring in my head. You’re the only person who could ever create a physical response to emotional pain in me. No words could explain what it feels like to have the only person you love with such intensity continuously drop bombshells on you in that way. It’s like being the crumple zone in a car, with whatever force your words hit me, I still absorb the shock and deteriorate.

“Chalk this out as a bad experience and move on” is what you expect me to do. How is this so simple for you. So simple for you to walk away while I’m literally breaking at the cracks. Life is unfair as such, a situation like this can break one person and the other goes off Scott free.

I just don’t know what to do anymore :(

"Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved; a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth, and everything you thought love would be. Everything that was proven wrong."

"There’s always that one person. No matter how many relationships they’ve had, how many times they didn’t respond to your text, how many times they ignored you, how many times they made you feel like you didn’t matter, how many times you sit on the floor crying because of them, or made you feel like shit; no matter how many times you say they don’t matter, deep down, every time that they text you, look at you, give you a hug, even just say your name, your walls break down and you can’t help but be happy. Even if you don’t want to be."

Balance

I believe the UNIVERSE has a way of making things right… Someday. It’s a futile battle chasing him and him resisting me. It’s endless and heart-wrenching.

It will take someone being pesistantly against his advances and someone gnawing at my heart to love them to finally realize the courage, of different sorts, we both possessed.

I’d like to think the universe sings the lyrics to a Nicklebacks’ song which goes:

“Someday, somehow

Gonna make it alright but not right now

I know you’re wondering when

You’re the only one who knows that
Someday, somehow

Gonna make it alright but not right now

I know you’re wondering when”

& Maybe just maybe, it would take him pursuing me and me being cold-hearted to make this love right and balance the world out again…

A sudden change of mind

I said to myself yesterday that choosing my dignity over chasing you would be the wisest choice I’d ever make. I made myself believe this and I was so convinced that something of value would come out of this choice. Gaining some self respect would do me some good and if you had the slightest problem with that you could go and take a long hike over a short cliff

BUTTTT….

I saw you today, saw how we were both challenged by our element. I saw the pain in your eyes and even though I was in as much pain as you were I put that aside like the brave soul I am, I mustered up all my courage and decided to walk up to you. I ended this drought of silence between us, this very drought that had kept me up the past week wondering what the hell I did wrong this time. I sobbed in the shower, spaced out in class and you were the only thing on my mind. As usual our playful conversation starts with your sharp sarcasm but I countered all you quick remarks. Before I knew it we were talking like best buddies. But beyond that tough exterior is someone I love and someone who needs to be loved. And though a very close friend of mind reminded me that I ‘had a thing for emotionally unavailable men’, my better judgment is overridden by the part of me that wants to save you, to show you that I could love you right. But you wouldn’t see that, to you I’m just a hopeless little creepy girl that is in love with you. And as this conversation came to a close, I looked into your eyes for the first time in months and I felt the feeling like the world suddenly froze around me and we were meant to be at this very place and this very time.. Together. And that maybe just maybe you were waiting for me to talk to you…

When I see you, my heart beats rhythmically to the sounds of hurt and pain. The blood that flows within these veins is blood that carries sorrow and tears. And it is not as if I break at the sight of you, because I am far from repair. But when I think of you, I feel a little numb inside because I’ve lost all understanding of how I feel towards you. I live life normally but with the acknowledgment in the back of my mind that I will always be miserable at best. Without you in my life, I die a bit inside everyday. There will forever be this vacancy within me that only you can fill. I am incomplete without you, always having some sort of missing piece.

Who would have ever thought YOU would be the one to move on first. I always said to myself that it would be easier to watch you move on and I’d just have to face reality when it finally hit me. But reality hit me and I still feel the same about you, except for the fact that I feel a pulsing pang of hurt throughout my body when ever I see you.

It’s hard to see you love her, love someone who isn’t me but I have no regrets. You were the one to fall in love first but I was the one holding us together by any tiny strand I could find. All that resulted in was me holding onto the pain because I had nothing else to hold on to.

And who am I to stand in the way of your happiness. I always said that your happiness was the most important thing to me, even if I wasn’t your source of happiness…

I had said a lot of things to myself, about hypothetical situations, thinking this fairytale between you and I would stand the test of time . But when you’re put in that situation of choosing between fighting for what you love, or letting it go so it can be happy.. Your emotions are involved and the fact that you feel these feeling won’t change, makes me break some promises with myself the way you broke me..

You’ll Never Know Pain Until…

I write this after reading The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. And I recognized the love Noah and Allie had for each other is the type of love that i possess for you. How unfortunate that it is not reciprocated. I wonder how you could put me through this agony knowing all too well, the emotion and passion which bubbles within me. I’m tired of putting up a front of being emotionally put together, as if I could care less about what you did to me… I just can’t because my heart  knows that I love you and nothing has mattered more to me. I lay on my bed with misty eyes as I have already broken my new years resolution. As it was today, the 15 January 2012.. I have wept for you..

"Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain"

I love the way Chuck actually speaks with such depth when he makes his feelings for Blair clear

All the lies